At the Job Interview:

Jones:   Good morning Mr. Evil, I appreciate your taking the time to interview me this morning. I am very excited about the job opportunity.

Evil Employer:   Mr. Jones, let's just cut to the chase, shall we? Why don't you start by explaining to me what it is that you bring to the table.

Jones:   Certainly. I guess I should start by asserting that I am a very hard worker. I --

Evil Employer:   Now wait just a minute here. I've been sitting here looking at your faux Rolex and those perfectly manicured nails. I don't believe that you have ever done an honest day's work in your life. Now... I'm going to ask you one more time - What is it that you bring to the table?

Jones:   Well, uh, sure, O.K. As you can see from my resume, I have a significant amount of excellent experience that I believe is relevant to this position.

Evil Employer:   Come now Mr. Jones, let's not fool ourselves. I don't see anything on this resume that strikes me as the least bit noteworthy. In fact, it is preposterous that you believe that you are capable of stepping into a job like this. I mean anyone could take one look at you and know that you don't have what it takes. And the idea that your insignificant experience somehow qualifies you to assume the duties of Apprentice Sanitation Engineer at our firm is ludicrous.

Jones:   Apprentice Sanitation Engineer?!   Why I was under the assumption that this was a supervisory position.

Evil:   Mr. Jones. Surely you don't believe that we would just bring someone in off the streets and start them out as a manager. No, you will claw your way up the organization the way the rest of us did. You'll start as an Apprentice Sanitation Engineer, then work your way up to the mailroom... You know the routine. Now for the last time, Mr. Jones, What do you bring to the table?

Jones:   Well, Mr. Evil, I guess I'm not quite sure what it is you are asking. Could you help me build my understanding?

Evil:   What do you bring to the table Jones? What do you bring to the party? I don't know how much more clearly I can articulate it!

Jones:   So that I may be in a better position to answer that question, could you be so kind as to briefly summarize my duties as an Apprentice Sanitation Engineer?

Evil:   Oh for crying out loud! It's latrine duty Jones. Latrine duty!! We're not talking rocket science here.

Jones:   Uh, latrine duty, right. O.K. then.

Evil:   O.K. Jones, let's back up. I can see right now that you're the kind of person who is going to require a lot of hand holding. Let's go a little more slowly. Why don't you go ahead and take me through your resume.

Jones:   Yes, that would be great. Thank you. I guess I'll start with my current job. I work as the Production Line Supervisor of the XYZ Widget Company.

Evil:   Jones, I don't know what you're trying to pull here, but I can tell you right now you that won't get away with it.

Jones:   What do you mean?

Evil:   Let's just say that I've got a nose for these things and this one smells funny. You say that you are the Production Line Supervisor do you? Well, we'll see about that.

Evil:   Presses intercom button: Linda - get the President of the XYZ Widget Company on the line will you? Let's just see what he has to say about this matter.

Linda:   Right away sir.

Jones:   You mean you're going to call him right now?

Evil:   Yes of course I am. That's not a problem is it? You seem to be losing some of the color in your face.

Jones:   Well, uh, can't we finish the interview first? I mean this is my current employer after all. I haven't really told them that I'm looking for a new job.

Evil:   So, what you're saying is that you would rather I didn't call your boss? Jones, something strikes me as highly irregular here. Now, are you a production line supervisor or aren't you?

Linda via Intercom:   Mr. Evil, I have the President of XYZ on the phone - he sounds real busy and rather irate.

Evil:   Well now, Jones, do you have anything to tell me before we speak to your boss?

Jones:   All right, I'm not really a Production Line Supervisor per se - more like a team member - and I work the 2nd shift. I don't have direct responsibility for any other employees - er, it's more like I supervise the production of my own work - if that makes any sense.

Evil:   So, by your own admission you have perjured yourself. Well now, isn't that interesting?

Evil via Intercom:   Linda. get rid of the XYZ guy and summon security - and while you're at it, get the FBI on the phone, I think they will be very interested in knowing a little something about the falsified information Mr. Jones has been sending via the Postal Service. I think we've got a live one here - 1st degree mail fraud!

Evil:   I hope you have a good attorney Jones.

Jones:   This is crazy! I just came in for a simple interview! I can't believe this is happening! Please, can't we just talk this over? I'll come clean, I promise.

Evil:   So you want me to give you another chance, eh?

Jones:   Oh, yes - Please Sir.

Evil:   Look at you - you're a mess! Pull yourself together man. How could you have ever imagined that you could come in here begging for a job from this firm and be met with any degree of success? I am not in the business of hiring people who turn to mush at the slightest hint of discomfort. Why don't we just be honest with ourselves here and save us both some time? You and I both know that you have the backbone of a spineless amoeba. Admit it Jones. You're a LOSER!

Jones:   No! I'm not a loser. I can do this job. I know I can.

Evil:   That's better Jones. Now show me! There's quite a mess in the men's bathroom down on the production floor. Get down there and make me proud! Here - take this sponge.

Jones:   You want me to clean it right now??

Evil:   Jones, I'm trying to help you here. Work with me!

Jones:   Yes Sir, right away Sir.

Jones Exits

Evil via Intercom:   Linda, get Jones assigned to the swing shift team - men's restroom on the production floor. I think we've finally filled our vacancy.