Grief and Loss Are Not Only About Death and Dying

It is impossible to avoid loss. Loss comes in many forms, at all ages. Loss often brings us simple disappointment of frustration, but sometimes when the loss is profound, we experience grief. We mourn for what is gone or denied to us, for dreams shattered and hopes vanished, for that part of ourselves we used to be before the loss, for that part of ourselves we wanted to be. We mourn for the memory of something we once held as deeply meaningful to and in our lives. Sometimes we are unconscious about being in grief, other times, consciously grieving is inescapable.

Examples of Losses That Adults Typically Grieve Unconsciously

Loss of job, or great career opportunity
---when we just can't recover the same position in our field

Loss of the dreams and ideals of our youth
---when reality forces us to make compromises

Loss of our self-illusions
---when we realize we aren't having the life we thought we'd have or when we realize we aren't the person we wanted to become

Loss of community
---when we change or quit jobs, move, or become chronically ill

Loss of material things that held deep meaning
---when our parents sell the home we grew up in, etc.
---when we no longer have the body or health of our youth

Loss of spiritual connectedness
---to the cosmos, to nature, to other sentient beings, to a deity

Examples of Losses That Adults Grieve Consciously

Loss of childhood and college friendships, and peer relationships
---through death or just getting out of touch

Loss of sibling closeness
---through angry arguments, geographical distance, or death

Loss of parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, other relatives
---through emotional / geographical distance or death

Loss of one's own children and grandchildren
---through infertility, abortion, adoption, perinatal or childhood death
---through emotional / geographical distance, or adult death

Everyone grieves in their own unique way, on their own timeline. Sometimes differences in grieving styles can cause tension in relationships and families when someone thinks someone else isn’t grieving enough, or in the “right” way. There is no one right way to grieve. As a culture we have certain institutionalized ways of mourning a loss, although those usually apply to loss from death and not other types of losses.

The Range of Normal Feelings and Behaviors for Uncomplicated Adult Grief

~ Feeling sad, anxious, empty, depressed all the time for a few months to 2 years
~ Inability to control crying, crying at seemingly unsad things
~ Sleeping too little or too much
~ Eating too little or too much
~ Being uninterested in once enjoyed activities
~ Feeling physically restless, or agitated without physical cause
~ Having increased irritability without hormonal cause
~ Having difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
~ Feeling fatigued, lethargic, or apathetic
~ Feeling guilty, hopeless, or worthless

Although people grieve in ways unique to their personality, their belief system, their support system, and their situation, there are some gender-patterned tendencies that have been observed by researchers in the field of the psychology of grief.

Grief is a normal and natural process. It is not clinical depression, although it is often mistaken for diagnosable depression. Grief in many cases will resolve by itself if allowed to run its course without undue pressure to “get over it” and move on.

In many instances, however, individuals can benefit from grief counseling. Grief counseling assumes that the bereaved is a normally functioning person who has had the wind knocked out of them due to an overwhelming loss. The goal of grief counseling is to help the individual work through the tasks and stages of mourning in a complete and healthy way, to adjust to the loss without suffering more than the loss itself promotes, and to return to normal functioning with a deeper understanding of self as well as a meaningful appreciation for the person or situation that is now gone.

Deah Curry PhD is a psychotherapist who teaches Grief and Loss in Midwifery at Bastyr University near Seattle. More about grief can be found on her website InnerJourneyWork at www.InnerJourneyWork.com . The subject of grief is also occasionally addressed on her blog at http://DrDeahsMusings.blogspot.com

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